Belated Birthday

I promised a post on my birthday, and while it’s late, here it is:

I love my birthday – love it, love it, love it. Most people I know don’t. They want their birthday to pass unnoticed. Maybe if no one knows it’s your birthday, you aren’t really older? Husband, for instance, told no one of his birthday in January until the end of the day when it was too late to do anything special. Birthdays are just no big deal.

This is particularly obvious when anyone over 21 comes near a *big* number – 30, 40, 50, 60, you know – the death years. I think this is ridiculous. 30 is not old. 60 is not old. I also think that the “you’re only as old as you feel” crap is stupid too. You are as old as you are. Age is simply a matter of how long you’ve been alive, and seriously, older is better.

I think of birthdays as a marker – you’ve made it another year without dying. Celebrate that! It’s a big freakin’ deal. I don’t always have a party. I tend to fluctuate between dinners and parties, but I always celebrate with people I love – friends and family.

On my birthday, I look back over the past year and look at all I’ve done, and who I’ve become. I like to think about where I was at this time last year, what I wanted, and where I expected to be this year. And usually I’ve changed so much. Taking stock is wonderful because you realize how you’re growing. I don’t want to be the person I was at 18, because I like myself now. And every birthday is a chance to reflect on who I am and how I’ve grown.

In the past year, I’ve moved to Hawai‘i, started a full time teaching job, and been accepted to a PhD program. I’ve come up with 5 really good fiction ides this past year (no time to write, but still). While the Hawai‘i move was expected, the job and PhD program were just hopes, and the ideas are blessings. I’ve loosened up a bit, feel stronger and more confident. I’ve gained enough experience teaching now that I don’t feel like I have to teach from the book anymore. I’m not as worried about my weight, and I’m healthy. I have health insurance so I can get good meds for my migraines – lots of good stuff, lots to be proud of and thankful for.

I expected to be more “settled” in my life by now, but I’m being more and more okay with the fact that I’m not. At 18, I was totally on the PhD-and-kids-by-30 timeline. Now, I just expect to have them. Last year, I was really worried about having kids before my eggs dry up. One dear friend had a baby last year, several acquaintances had kids last year, and 2 close friends have April/May due dates now – so I had baby fever last year. But this year, I’m not that worried. Husband and I plan to have kids at some point, but when is no longer that big of a deal. I’m not sure what has happened to cure me of baby fever, but I don’t feel the rush anymore. (There are three pregnant students in one of my classes alone, so it’s not a matter of see-no-evil, hear-no-evil.)

But anyway, this is what I do on my birthday. I look forward to my birthday, to see who I will be next year. I look forward to aging, and like my few gray hairs (I hope to have a silver mane one day).

Oh, and presents are good too.