Defining Tree

So I thought I'd honor the description of my blog by explaining what it means. Cheese & Responsibility is the autobiography that I will one day write. My friend Vickie says that this blog is the ultimate workshop for that. Basically, I still exist in that bifurcated pre-adolescent state where you feel like a princess but live the life of a scullery maid. I was never one to really want to be a princess. I wanted to be a pirate.

I used to make treasure maps and bury stuff in the woods. My sister, 2 cousins, and I would play pirate ship on my grandparents' front porch. The porch is 20 feet long, 1 foot off the ground on one end, and 6 feet off the ground on the other end. The front door and steps are about a third of the way in from the short end. The prow of our ship was the tall end, and I was the pirate captain. Often someone, usually Boy Cousin, would be washed overboard and need to be rescued (Girl Cousin was a big rescue the princess fan, but Pirate Ship didn't really fulfill that function). I, being the brave captain, would throw him a line (the garden hose) and pull him up (the stairs); however, sometimes I was required to jump into the shark (dog) infested waters to pull him to safety. Sister was also washed overboard occasionally, but Boy Cousin, being 4 years younger than me and the youngest of the grandkids, could swim in the grass the best.

I spent hours everyday pretending, even when I was way too old to be respectably pretending, I did. I used Barbies and books, but I still pretended. My Barbies often died very courageously. The flash flood in the ravine was my favorite form of death - very exciting and adventurous. I often felt that was destined to be someone, to live a life of adventure and mystery. Now all children feel this way; what kind of world would it be if children didn't believe they were inherently special? I never grew out of this (as I believe most of us don't, hence the popularity of escapist fiction and film), but more than that, I still desperately want to be a pirate. Or detective. Or Indiana Jones style archeologist. Or someone exciting. Not just a boring ole writing teacher.

Who I am and who I want to be are not the same person. I want to be a writer, I am a writing teacher. I want to be like Laura Croft, I am not. I want to be an ass-kicking Charlie's Angel (Sabrina mind you, not a bikini wearer; I'm a bit too feminist for jiggle tv), I am not. I want to be a witch, I am not. It's like having Etta James's soul in, well, my body. I feel like I can sing, but that song never breaks out of the constraints I put on myself. Responsibility. If I didn't have to earn a living, I could do all of these things. Well, at least be a writer full time. Responsibility nags me and so I push writing to the bottom of, or too often off of, my to do list. My novels never get written. My short stories lie half written on a page wondering where I am. My characters look out of the page, trying to catch my eye. But I can't look them in the eye. I can't face the fact that I have willingly abandoned them for money. And not that much either, just enough to pay the bills and to ensure that I am indentured for life. That's one reason why I admire J. K. Rowling. She made time. How do you do that?

But I also want to be a better person. I'm a pacifist (but want to kick ass, fence, and wield guns, imagine that). I have protested and will again, but I wish I did more than I do to make the world a safer place for all. I want to be a foster mom, but have no time for children, and not enough money for a reasonable person to entrust a child to me. I want to donate money to women's causes, animal causes, environmental causes, children's causes, etc., but don't really have a surplus. I want to volunteer for all of those causes, but have no surplus time. I want to not back down when I see injustice. I want to go back in time and erase every cruel or apathetic thing I've said or done. I want to make the world into the idyllic Star Trek utopia, or ancient peaceful land of fable. I am a vegetarian. I want to be a veagan, but I eat cheese. I have given up cheese, but always return to it. I do not use or drink milk. I rarely eat or use eggs (we're talking a few times a year). I can give up ice cream, sweet, sweet ice cream. I have not figured out how to give up cheese.

Cheese and responsibility - two things I want to be devoid of and cannot live without. One is a matter of will power, the other of letting go. I find Buddhism highly attractive because it stresses letting go, non-attachment. I don't know how to do that.

As for Tree of Knowledge, I found my name by randomly flipping through the Bible and pointing. That is the phrase I landed on.