The Evangelical Obstacle Course

Ahhhhhhhhhh!

This scream is brought to you by an endless supply of student essays. Why won’t they end?!

Now that that’s out of the way, I am not going to bitch about grading. You already know everything I could say. I am not going to whine about being tired. You’re with me and feel the pain. Instead, I’m going to bitch and whine about evangelists.

To get from my office to my classroom the farthest away, I must brave the Evangelical Obstacle Course.

1. Scientologists. I believe I may have mentioned them before. Their latest gift to me was a 200 question personality test. (#111—“Do you usually need to justify or back up an opinion once stated?” Um, I teach writing. I believe that is part of the curriculum. No, I did not take the test. I just made fun of it.)

2. Military recruiters. I put all of the branches together as no two branches are represented at the same time—they take turns, and usually leave me alone. I must look like a war protestor. While not asking for your soul, they do use evangelical techniques to gain your life. (Supposedly for a few years only and then you get to make decisions for yourself again, but we all know this isn’t always true. The military does change a person.)

3. There are also various school club recruitments going on in this stretch, as well as evil corporations wanting to “give students discounts on our great products!” like gym memberships, cell phone plans, and credit cards. (Um, why give credit cards to people who have taken out loans to buy food? You know they aren’t going to be able to pay off their credit cards.) Once a month, there is a blood drive person. (I vant to suck your blood.) Periodically, environmentalists want my money. (But the environment is more important than class! Yes, but if I don’t go to class, I’ll have no money to give you).

4. Jehovah’s Witnesses. I tend to refuse The Watch Tower as I will not be witnessing for Jehovah.

5. The New Testament Guy. This guy stands on the corner with a mini New Testament and preaches Jesus. I think he’d do better if he gave out New Testaments too.

6. The Korean Church. I think they’re Baptist, but I’m not positive. Their evangelists are usually young Korean women who are not confident in their English speaking skills. They show me a laminated card with talking points (all of which are about Jesus’s love for me) and ask if I want to talk about them. I tell them no, thank you.

I have issues with evangelism (and yes, I am aware I am using evangelism in a broader sense then Christian persuasion). Recruiting for your god seems a lot selling your god. The religious folk on the obstacle course use the same techniques as the military, capitalist, and volunteer folk. They ask the same basic questions (“Are you currently satisfied with…?” or “Are you happy?”). And they ALL use aggressive, hard sell techniques.

With religion, evangelism has always struck me as odd. How do you know your converts truly believe rather than are just submitting to the pressure you impose on them? Especially if your persuasion takes the form of a very sharp blade. When missionaries go somewhere and provide health care, build schools, and/or install electricity and plumbing, couldn’t the converts just be “buying” their aid? Is that a true conversion? (I believe in your god so you’ll give me medicine.) Do people who convert under pressure stay converted?

Evangelism is weird though, because if your god is so great, then why do you need to persuade, convert, or pressure people to believe in your god? (“Persuade” is the dictionary’s word.) Shouldn’t they just read your pamphlet and be all “wow” and believe on their own? I think that giving people information is fine, but let them make up their own minds. If you have faith in your “product,” it should “sell” itself.

I remember causing an unpleasant silence in the family car once when I was around 11 or 12. We had just visited a new church, and my parents asked me what I thought. I kind of exploded (calmly of I remember correctly) about how the pastor’s sermon praising the church missionaries for their turning people away from their unchristian ways and into the embrace of God was immoral. I remember explaining that by doing this, these missionaries were destroying a very old culture (can’t remember which one though) full of rich stories and traditions that once lost will be gone forever. From the sermon, I did not have the impression that the missionaries were inserting Christianity into the existing culture, but were instead asking people give up their culture. And I don’t know if I actually said this, but I remember thinking that God couldn’t be too happy about the eradication of cultures He allowed to be created. But I’m pretty sure I said something about how calling our gods by different names doesn’t mean that we worship different gods (it means we speak different languages—anyone remember Babel?), and that we can’t presume to know how God has revealed Himself to other groups of people. “God,” after all, is not an actual name, but a placeholder. We don’t know the Christian god’s true name.

I’ve never had a problem believing that God appears to different people in different forms. And religions were invented by people, not gods. They are social constructions designed to order society and be self-supporting (just read a history book—even the Bible supports this idea, in both its construction and its content). I have a problem with religions that use God(s) for gains and agenda. God(s) should not be a tool for getting your way. You might think that I don’t support organized religions, and you’d be right. I don’t trust them.

Besides, my spiritual faith is very personal to me. I don’t feel like I need to share it to validate it, or that I need support to remain faithful, or that I should celebrate it is a gift. It is a part of my existence, not something that can be given to me or taken away. Not belonging to a church doesn’t make my faith less real, and not calling myself a member of your religion doesn’t mean that we don’t talk to the same god. What I tell the evangelists that I actually take the time to talk to (usually the little old women that I feel guilty ignoring) is that I’m happy with what I believe and am glad that they are happy too (except for the Scientologists; they can kiss my ass).

And, for once, what I have to say corresponds with what Bitch PhD is talking about.