Anxiety Confessional

I'm about to start my day of grading (after I read the comics) and thought I should post now before I can't think anymore. Lest you think I have been lazy, it is 9:53 a.m. and I have read the news, emailed all of the people I haven't had time to email in the last week or two, and sent a friend the write-up from a brainstorming session on a book she's working on.

I woke up at eight after a night of anxiety dreams. My first thought this morning was "discourse analysis" - one of the many assignments I need to grade today, um, this weekend. I had a dream in which I couldn't pick out Husband's artwork from a gallery show - nothing looked like his and all of the signatures were too tiny to read. All of the paintings looked like the bright cut-outs made for elementary school classrooms - apples, rulers, buttons. I couldn't find a trash can at the show because all of the things that looked like trash cans were sculptures. And there were artists there making candy canes. I also dreamt about grading and making masks.

Husband and I were invited to a stranger's birthday party tonight - it's a masquerade. It actually sounds like a lot of fun, but I don't want to go. Husband asked if I really think I will be grading tonight, and I don't. But not having a commitment tonight means that I can take sunshine breaks today and not worry about the time frame. And I'd rather just spend time with Husband - someone I see very little of during the week (unless you count sleeping or falling asleep in the living room). I need to do something outside every weekend to keep my sanity, and today is a beautiful day after days of heavy rainfall. Will it rain tomorrow? These are all just excuses. I just don't want to go to the party. I"m tired and want time to myself when I'm not tired. I want to do what I want, not what other people want me to do.

In middle school (I think), I was invited to a friend's birthday slumber party. I said yes, then when the day came, I really didn't want to go. I wanted to read and play in the woods. I cried trying to figure out what to do. My mom would not call and cancel for me, so eventually I decided to call my friend. I think I told her I didn't feel well (which was the truth by that point), and that I was really sorry. She said it was ok, and the following week at school we were still friends - no big deal. But not much has changed in my ability to tell people "no."

I don't know why I get so worked up about parties. Sometimes I don't want to go, go, and have a great time. Other times, I don't want to go, go, and am miserable. I think Husband wants to go. Why do I have such a hard time putting me first? And why do I feel such guilt when I attempt to do so?