She Who Poops When the Wind Blows

Warning! Warning! The following concerns poo.

Some of us are afflicted. The doctors call this affliction Irritable Bowl Syndrome (IBS). I call it emergency poo.

Talking to a doctor about IBS is eerily similar to talking to a doctor about migraines (I will post on that affliction later):

Well, Ms. Knowledge, no one really knows what causes IBS. So what we have to do is figure out what your triggers are, then you can avoid those things.

Too much dairy = poop (a.k.a. lactose intolerance)
Too much processed food = poop (a.k.a. lack of dietary fiber)
Too much oily food = poop
Too much spicy food = poop
Too much stress = poop
Too much exercise = poop
Not enough exercise = poop
Not enough sleep = poop
Changes in the body norm = poop (a.k.a. menstruation, common cold, slight fever, waking up early, etc.)
Going somewhere without a bathroom = poop
Taco Bell = poop
Changes in weather = poop

If you live somewhere, like Paradise City for example, where public restrooms are an endangered species, then emergency poo is a problem. There is generally one choice when you are afflicted with emergency poo: use the bathroom or have an accident. There is a time limit on this choice. ‘Nough said.

Apparently it just sort of happens to women in their early twenties. One day you just wake up and poo for no apparent reason. Doctors seem to know very little about it, but it seems to happen enough that if you say to a doctor “sometimes I feel the need to poo very urgently,” she or he will go, “yes that would be IBS. It happens.”

I would think that, while it does not merit being termed an epidemic, the urgent need to poo by millions of women would result in, um, research and solutions that involve more advice then “well just don’t do that” and “buy stock in Imodium.” Maybe there’s a website (someone post a link). But I was handed a leaflet, an emergency poo fact sheet, if you will, and told to keep track of my poo.

I think it’s somewhat genetic. My sister is also she-who-poops-when-the-wind-blows. If you are afflicted, you learn very quickly to get over the fear of pooping in public restrooms. You have no choice. And if millions of women are pooping in public, then the ladies who share the restrooms are forced to become used to, if not comfortable with, public poo. I’m assuming there are some men who have emergency poo, but I’ve been told that women in their early twenties are the most afflicted.

My other theory is that it’s karmic. Either I shat on a lot of people in a past life, or took a lot of shit. That makes about as much sense as anything I’ve read about it.