The Decoder Ring, or How I Am Like My Students

I am taking a short break from a short paper I'm writing for my Night Class (this is the class I'm taking, not teaching). I ate a rather bland and unenjoyable lunch and read a few blogs. I have also come to a realization.

My older students, the ones who are returning after a few years (or many, many years) of not being in a classroom, often say "I haven't written in such a long time. I'm just not used to it yet" as an apology or explanation for poor work. They invariably write the strongest essays in the class, and I have to point that out, mainly because I can't stand people apologizing for not being perfect, but also because they need to hear it and be reassured that they've done the right thing by coming to back to school. I for one am happy to have people in my class whose before class conversations do not consist of comments like, "Dude, I think I'm still drunk." (God, I wish that were a joke.)

I do believe that writing is a skill that can be learned, cultivated, and practiced much to chagrin of those who see it as a talent. Yes, I think that talent is part of it for some writers, but if that was all there was to it, then Patricia Cornwell wouldn't be rich. (I purposefully did not put J.K. Rowling's name there because despite being widely popular, incredibly wealthy, and the subject of attacks from well-known literary critics--apparently her books are trite, cliched, and not well written and the popularity of said books is not a reason to celebrate because kids are reading but instead a reason to bemoan the falling intellect of our nation's children--, I think she has a talent for this type of fantasy, boarding school narrative and blending the real and the fantastical into a seamless world, which is why her books outsell other books by more "literary" and critically acclaimed authors who write very similar stories. But I digress.) This is not to say that I haven't enjoyed a Cornwell novel in the past, I have, but I think that her success stems from her knowing the genre, doing thorough research, and developing her skill as a writer.

So here I am, working on this short essay, and feeling out of practice, much like my returning students. I don't feel the need to apologize to anyone but myself. I am out of practice, and I have let myself become that way, all in the space of two years. I have not stopped writing. While I don't write everyday, I do write a lot. While I don't have time to finish anything I start, I do begin new stories and essays. But I haven't been exercising that academic writing muscle, and it is now cramping. The ability is there, and I am a smarter, more mature person than I was two years ago, but I'm out of shape. I feel like a singer who's been on sabbatical, only to return to the stage and hear my voice crack when I try to sing. I know I can hit that high note, just not today.

My writing should be, and probably is, actually stronger than it was two years ago, but I'm having difficulty engaging that academic style, voice, and vocabulary. I haven't read any theory lately, and so my writing lacks that academic vocabulary that only those who are immersed in theory use--the hallmark of our trade, seemingly lucid prose that makes undergrads cringe (i.e. it makes perfect sense, but only if you're a member of the secret club and have been given the decoder ring).

And so I'm feeling insecure, not because I can't write the essay--I can, not because I can't decipher the code--I can, but because I seem to have misplaced my decoder ring and am feeling very alone. I may be able to crack the code, but I can't get back into the secret clubhouse without my decoder ring.


Update: Anyone want to read my short paper and give some feedback? If so, send me an email (if you know my address, since I haven't created a matching anonymous email address yet) or leave a comment and I'll email you my essay. It's a 1000 word review, and I'll let you know what the specific assignment is.