Awkward

So today my department decided to negotiate with our dean to forgo asking for an assistant prof replacement hire for one year because they'd like to hire internally next year. And they'd like to hire me.

I am so conflicted. I mean, yay! This is a potential (if it happens) raise and puts me in better position for applying for jobs elsewhere. And it feels good to have my work validated in this way.

But also, queasy stomach because I don't want to teach 4-4 forever, this island sucks for Husband's field, and my cat--who I adore--lives with my sister in Landlocked State because Husband and I think the insanely long plane ride would kill him. I know other cats do it and are fine, but he freaks out in his carrier. But everyone that I talk to knows these things. I don't hide that I want to teach less so I have time for research, that Husband's career is stalled here, or that I miss my cat very much.

Also, awkward. I was at this meeting, as I am a full-time instructor and an active member of the department. People with my same job title were also at this meeting. I was talked about in the third-person as if I wasn't there--only good things, but still, weird.

Also I was chided for putting myself on a subcommittee, which I totally deserved as I should not be on more committees. But this committee is meeting to revamp one of the main courses I teach, something I was going to do for myself anyway before I teach it again in the Fall. So while it may seem like I'm giving myself more service work, really I just found a committee to fix my class for me. So no pointing fingers in the comments! Also, I'm insisting that another subcommittee I'm on wrap this shit up already in December.

And I'm feeling good about my diss. So 2 and a half weeks until my grades are in and I am free to focus on diss work. I have a reasonable goal for winter break and a good handle on where to start. I am looking forward to it. Oh, except that my lovely diss institution likes to close the library during the winter break. Bastards.