Obeying Orders

Tonks told me to blog the stress, so here goes.

I just sat down and figured out how much reading for exams I need to do every week to be ready to take them when I want to take them. I want to throw up. The acid in my stomach ratcheted way, way up after doing this. Now, this is studying for exams--I don't have to memorize anything. I don't have to know every word. I have read the majority of my lists in previous classes or for writing papers. Some texts I know extremely well. And it is grad school reading--you don't read every word; you read for argument and relationship to other texts. So it's plausible to meet my self-imposed deadline; painful, but not impossible.

It is okay to fail; I can always take the exams later if I need to. All of my examiners are being really supportive and stating their confidence in my abilities. Everyone I know who has taken the exams keeps telling me I'll be fine and that I sound confident. My colleagues are forcing me to protect my time and are trying to help me prepare. Husband is being super supportive. But I am pretty much paralyzed.

For one, I don't want to take the exams later because I got my teaching load adjusted to make this semester easier for me to concentrate on exams, and I will feel like such a loser if I don't actually take my exams after getting this sweet deal.

I also have crazy schedules about when I should be done with stuff. And I have a weird need to follow those crazy schedules. A few years ago I started panicking about not having my PhD by the time I was 30 (crazy goal) or kids (another crazy goal). I'm 30 now, and am over those crazy goals--but I have new ones to replace them. Aghhhh! I'd like to be done with school within the next 5 years, and Husband and I will start the whole kid-thing when I'm done with school. There is not much for Husband here in terms of career, so the longer we stay, the longer he has to wait to do BIG STUFF. So I feel self-imposed crazy PRESSURE.

But knowing that it's me doesn't help me stop it. If anyone figures how to stop worrying, I'd like to know the secret. Grrr.

I just want to curl up and reread all of Harry Potter. Why isn't that one of my areas, huh?