The Rabbit Hole of Doom

I had one student show up for class today. One. ONE. I just can't fathom this.

One of the students that missed came by this afternoon to talk about his issues. I do what I did with all of my students who have serious issues--I sent him to the counseling services because I'm not qualified to deal with his particular brand of crazy.

All of my students that missed have "real" reasons for missing--emergencies, catastrophes, crises. I sympathize with them because their problems are real. They need help. I understand why they missed class or didn't turn in the assignment or whatever. I will listen to them cry and give them tissues. I'm good at listening. I'm also good at the "let's be realistic" pep talks and practical advice. I suggest that they go talk to trained professionals and am honest if I think they have serious problems that need professional help. I send the ones going through normal stress to the counselors too. I try to be supportive and not add to their problems (without breaking my policies and still treating them fairly). The most frequent advice I give is to tell them to go talk to their other professors and ask for help when they don't understand the material or when they're having a problem in their classes. Why do they come talk to me and not their other professors?

But, I also don't care. As human being, I sympathize--I want to give them hot chocolate, and I want to help them. As the the person who determines their grades, I don't care. My policies are all designed so that students can have a couple of emergencies every semester and still get an A. I design the policies so they don't have to tell me anything about their personal lives. All students get the same breaks built into their grade. I don't care.

And when they come up to me and start asking for extra breaks because their lives are just so fucked up right now, it takes every little bit of patience I have not to go batshit crazy on them. They are not the only ones with emergencies and catastrophes and crises. I would have loved to have stayed in bed this morning. I cried today when I started filling out my calendar for the rest of the semester because I have so much shit to so. I still cry at random times because it has only been four months since my dad died unexpectedly. I don't want to deal with my responsibilities and would love to ignore them or go ask someone to give me special privileges because things are hard right now. But I got my ass to class, I was prepared--I come in and do my little song and dance, and am excited and cheerful about writing, and teach them in engaging ways, and meet with them in conferences, and grade papers, and attend meetings, and meet deadlines, and get my shit done. And when I can't, I suck it up and take whatever the consequences are for failure.

I have so little sanity and patience and emotional control right now, I kind of hate them for coming to me with their problems. I can barely carry my own problems; I don't need the added weight of theirs. I know they just need someone to listen (and that's what I do), but it's hard not to look at the person crying in my office and not see a self-centered little smeghead.*

Now, I would never say any of this to a student (I know that's obvious, but occasionally people read this blog who don't understand how venting is a necessary and useful act for people in service jobs), and I always do everything I can to help them (even though I might be screaming inside my brain). And as far as I know, what I say helps. And I am always, eventually, glad I helped. I would hate myself if I hurt a student who was coming to me for help, but I really don't think that they know what an emotional toll they can take on their teachers.

Anyway, if you made it this far down the rabbit hole of doom, New Kids on the Block are getting back together, and I am surprisingly excited, and giddy. I meant to be writing about NKOTB, but instead I complained about my students. I'm guessing I needed to let go of a little stress. I do hope my sad isn't contagious, and if it is...OMG NKOTB are back!

*from Red Dwarf, I just couldn't think of any other word that would work.