A Loss for Words

I have been reading your blogs, but not updating mine. I really don't know what to say.

I tell my students that they can't write about death or love in my class. Those are two so intensely personal experiences that they're difficult to write about. Everyone experiences them, but everyone experiences them differently. So to say something new, you have to make yourself completely vulnerable to your reader and try to make this intensely personal and unique experience of a common emotion relatable to people you don't know, who don't know you. Because there are no common words to describe how you feel, people tend to fall into cliches. Actually trying to find the right words forces you to re-live those moments, and if you're still close the situation, that isn't always a good thing. The emotion is too overwhelming.

So I'm not posting, because this is really the only thing that matters right now. My world has stopped, and I am so angry that the rest of the world goes on. I'm working, I'm grading, I'm writing seminar papers (though taking an incomplete in one class), I'm registering for next semester (though only taking one class--I need a bit less stress), but I really don't care. My sister is closing accounts and compiling bills for us to settle through probate, and I think I'd rather be doing that, to have that reminder that everything is different.

The close as I can come to describing this is that it is so weird. Every other word fails me. It is just so unlike anything else I've dealt with.

I have found some unexpected comfort: Xena on Netflix (as Death is often a part of the show and it's cheesy wonder is enjoyable) and my father's online presence.*


*I had links posted to his blog and to a sports-fan site he moderated that has an amazing tribute thread for him, but paranoia got the best of me, and I removed them. If you'd like to read them, email me, and if I trust you, I will send you the links. Just be warned that I only check my blog email once a week or so. So maybe you should leave me a comment too?