Sisters

My sister is having a baby. She’s due in just a few weeks. And I am so excited and happy for her. Today her husband sent me pregnancy photos. They are so sweet, and I just started crying. I am missing the whole thing—her pregnancy, the birth, everything. My baby sister. I used to take care of her and protect her (yes, I tortured her too, but that’s another blog post), and now she’s all grown up and having a baby, and I’m on the other side of the country. There’s an ocean and a continent between us. I really want to be there. I will be there a couple of weeks after the baby is born, and we’ll stay for a while, but then it’ll be her AND the baby. I want to be there when it’s just her, and I can pamper her and hold her hand and hug her and see her in this different phase.

I thought I might be jealous or sad because it’s not me and that whole clock-ticking nonsense. But the older I get, the less I think having a child is important. Husband and I plan on having kids, but if we don’t, I can’t see myself freaking out. When we first got married, I’d cry because I thought we’d never have kids (getting your doctorate takes FOREVER) and that my life would somehow be empty. I’ve figured out that that is a load of crap. But I expected to be feeling some of that now since my sister is pregnant, crying because I’m old (at 29, I know, just bear with me here) and never going to have kids. Isn’t that what happens in those movies and tv shows that taught me that having a baby is the only thing that will make my life complete?

But instead, I’m crying because I can’t be there with Sister. And it’s not about the baby; it’s about her and me missing this big event in her life. It’ll never happen again (her first child), and I feel like I’m losing something.

Sister reads my blog, and so I thought about not posting this. I don’t want her to be sad because I’m sad. But I’m not just sad—I’m happy and excited too. It’s an emotion party over here, I tell you (and it’s not even hormonal imbalance time of the month). But I’m posting it anyway, because feelings are important, right?

She has grown into the most spectacular woman. She’s intelligent, funny, silly, generous, kind, beautiful—you know, all those adjectives that you want someone to use to describe you. She’s so strong. She speaks her mind and doesn’t take crap from people, and she gives so much to everyone. She has her faults like anyone else (don’t ever get Sister mad at you) and has made mistakes like everyone else (can you say “perm”?), but they’re nothing when compared to her wonderful attributes. She is quite an admirable person. We disagree on a lot, and are different in many ways, but I am amazed at how much we can be alike sometimes.

When she laughs, her whole body laughs. She exudes joy in those moments. I miss driving in a car with her, talking about our lives, the world, Jordan Knight. I miss her. I am missing her. She is going to be such wonderful mother. And I’ll be cool Aunt Tree who lives in Hawai‘i and writes stories, or crazy Aunt Tree who doesn’t eat meat or shave her legs. One of the two.

I hope this didn’t make you cry when you read it, Sister. I love you. I miss you. I wish I could be there with you. You are going to do wonderfully. Please don’t worry about anything and do enjoy this experience. Now, go take a bubble bath (but put the cell phone by the tub so you can call Brother-in-law to help you out if the tub).